notrusly authentic

all i can say...all that i am now......

2006-09-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

I know it's been long...

It's not that I couldn't find the time, it's the matter of nothing new to say...

Nothing good to write about....

Nothing........

Was I cursed when I step my feet onto Melbourne?

Wherever my eyes lay, I feel nothing but sadness...Every laughter I take, simply without any meaning...Even the wind is never kind...

Only a few more months before I go back to Malaysia, but it is as if I was never here...

I was never here...

Maybe, maybe it's not a curse...

Maybe it's just karma

I've had my share of good life before this and just maybe it is my time to feel the sufferings that many people had felt

It's not that my sufferings are any bigger deal as compared to the rest of the world

But still, they are my sufferings....Only I know the pain

People say, "Time will heal"

I say, "Shit happens, life goes on"

- and there's nothing anyone can do about it

Time does not heal the pain, it only makes you numb

So in the end you won't feel a thing anymore.

But one thing that I can never deny,

Or ignore,

The fact that God gave me two great souls to stand by when I'm alone,

To make me laugh after every teary nights,

And take my hands when I'm on a cliff,

I see them as a balance of my life here in Melbourne,

Their greatness vs. my pain

I thank God for them

I also thank Him for giving me only a tiny bit of pain,

Just for me to feel...

Things could've been worst.....

Out of all this,

I definitely have learnt,

My wrong judgements, my mistakes and my regrets...

The ones that I shall never repeat ever again,

The ones that make me stronger from now on,

The one that I will always remember.

Here I say my last words,

Hoping that they will never haunt me,

Knowing that they will forever define my history,

And longing for they not to follow me towards eternity.

They are all that I can say,

They are all that I am anyway,

I believe that no one would and should care to read about,

Not anymore...

I realize that blogging is a place for us to release and have fun,

Not to release and feel the pain,

So to my friends who read my blog,

Thank u...

But I am sorry for this is not my place.

eva e. zahar

Two Nights to Remember

2006-07-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

Lemme tell ya'll a story....

One night, I went down to the city to catch up with an old friend. The hot chocolate was great and the chit-chattin' was even greater. Can't imagine the fact that we've not met since SPM result day and that night, we're still the same; all psyched and joke about life. After long hours of cathing up, I went home. At the door, I pressed the door bell and there was no ring. The house was dark. I unlocked the doors, step into the house and it was still and quiet. I thought there will be a surprise since that in a few minutes more, it would be my 21st birthday. But standing there alone in that dark silent house for more than five minutes got to my head that maybe something was actually wrong. I took out my cell from the coat pocket and started dialling Andrew's number while taking a few steps into the kitchen to see anything suspicious.

Then there they were, Andrew and Grace walking out from the back of the house with three little "designer cakes" on a plate with a little lighted candle in Grace's hands singing a birthday song. It was a surprise. I was stunt that I yelled, "Oh-My-God!!!" and started walking out of the house coz' I was too embarrassed! It was a nice surprise... I couldn't ask for more. They both knew I was not about to celebrate my b'day this year and that little gesture was enough to make me happy and I guess they knew it. They were VERY good cakes! All chocolate made! hehehehhe..... I surely had a good sleep that night. Next morning, I woke up quite early. Didn't feel any different. Didn't see any changes. I'm a girl with nothing much at 21. But hey, at least I'm still alive and kickin'! So the day started slow, normal as usual, started washing dishes. Then I went out for a chat with the neighbour's dog, Corrine's dog, Nike. He didnt' wanna drink his milk simply because he was told to do so. Being a human version of that, I knew exactly how to 'make' him drink it! Then I had a very long chat with Corrine while Nike's playing about. When it got cold (I only had a sweater on my body and nothing covering my legs), I went back into the house. Grace and Andrew were gone. They left a note saying they've gone out and expect to see me for dinner. The note said they know I don't wanna celebrate but still, I HAD to and they're MAKING me to! How dare they! Leave me alone in that cold house on my birthday! So not cool! They knew I didn't wanna celebrate so I guess they had to do something radical just to MAKE me celebrate. How thoughtful! Well, I went for the dinner anyway. How can I dissappoint two of my best friends??? At first I felt uncomfortable, I mean of course, we're talking 'bout buncha peeps who MADE me do something! No one can do that to me except my mom! But the dinner was beautiful. They gave me one of my dream dvds' must-haves - ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST. HOW COOL IS DAT???? So freakin' cool!!!! It's jz too cool!!!!

Hehe... So far, this is the second most memorable birthday celebration I've ever had. All my life I've always wished for a surprise but no one dared/bothered to make me one. They all say they're scared I might not like it. Ummm...am I that difficult??? Let's not get to that now. But these housemates of mine definitely knew me well enough to be daring enough to do these to me! They were two great birthday surprises. Simple but yet more than I could ever ask for. I love them so much for being such great friends and just wait for Andrew's birthday, I'll drop him a bomb for what he's done to me! hehehehhehehe........................

p/s: Andrew/Grace, if you guys are reading this, I just wanna say, "I love you guys!"

one night of fun, laughter and PISSING OFF!!!

2006-07-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

After so many weeks of boredom, at last I went out last night with some friends for a jazz gig and football!!!

First, the gig was swingin'! The band was so damn good and they were effortless. It's a ten-piece band consisting of three VERY good vocalists. Okay...TWO very good vocalists and one pretty one with looks and a voice that most malay club singers have. Not an insult though... Just stating out a fact. Of course this pretty chick is much better in performancing as compared to most malay club singers. Again...not an insult. Then they also have a saxophonist, trumpet player (very cute from far but not desirable at all in close distance) and a trambone player. They were excellent. They "blow" well and they had fun doing it! I am talking about three "blowing" players who blew and danced the whole night through. Not like the blowing players I mostly see in KL where they just stand there like being in an army marching band. It's either these KL blowing players are really plain boring or they were never given the space to have fun. If the second is the case, then I don't blame them. I mean being on stage and having fun is not really a Malaysian thing. But being emotional and crying on stage is defintely our thing! Yup, we Malaysians definitely have characters.

Put professional performers aside, our local jazz bands are not given the space to be genuine. Why? Maybe because most Malaysians are so damn judgemental. But nah....Malaysians are not judgemental...(eva vomitting) Or maybe because it is not our culture to have spontaneous fun. Being in a small time jazz band and having real fun while performing is not practiced in Malaysia. Same goes to the crowd, it is not cool to dance along with the band and its good music. But it is cool to get real high in clubs because "how to dance if you're not high?!!!" Yeah I know, Malaysians are wise when it comes to having fun. So last night as I was screaming my head off to the good music, I realized that I once had that back in KL when Hard Rock Cafe has good bands and good crowd. A singer once made a rock version of 'Baby One More Time' and it was okay to dance to 'I Will Survive'. Then the year 2000 came and pop is the tune at Hard Rock. Anything other than that is considered boring and you have to admit it, pop plays at Hard Rock is clever and oh-so-cool!

What a fun night last night but it just had to end badly. Okay, not badly in per-say but I was having so much fun and when Argentina lost to Germany on penalty kicks, my heart sank. It was sucha good game and it was unbelievable how Germany had a hard time with those Argentinian/Argentine (I donno which is which) players. But the Argentina manager just had to make a mistake on swapping their best striker too early and the goalkeeper fell ill at the peak of its game. With all that defence and ball control, Argentina was good. No wait, as a matter of fact they were great! If they can give a hard time to Germany and only penalty kicks to separate them for someone in winning the game, then they are REALLY good. They have gotten this far and I am proud of them. Most of them are still young and I see a few future strikers, so maybe in the next World Cup mates! That is all from me for now, I had fun, I laughed my ass off eventhough the miseries of life are still in tact and I was pissing off with the penalty kicks last night. I reached home at 5am and today I woke up at 5pm. I'm me again!

i'm not alone...

2006-06-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,
After a whole long month of misery and pretentious smiles, I finally got up from the depression and accepting the fact that I may not be the only one in pain. I know that what I'm going through is minimal as compared to many other shits that other people go through. But still, they are my shits and I feel pain. It's okay because it is a phase and I have to handle it just like how I put up with other shits in my life in the past. Except that this one, is the worst shit ever!
After one blow to another and I seriously thought that I'll never get back on track. But of course, I'm vain enough to say that I'm strong and I will go through this just fine. Most problems HAVE to be solved and WILL be solved in either way. It's only a matter of HOW and WHEN they will be solved that's the killler. Well, as for my technical problems, there are means and ways to fix them and make things slightly better again. I just need to work harder and keeping the faith that goodness will come eventually. But it's the emotional pain that I'm not sure of. I was hurt so deeply as if I've been hit by a truck and still living on with the injuries with no else to help me to ease the pain. I guess that is just life; when you're in pain you're all alone. Of coz there are friends who try to help but it is the one that counts that matters most but he is now being selfish and distant. Of all the people in the world that could ease my pain and calm my brain down, it is him who would not help but still has the guts to call me "sister".
Maybe I am being selfish too because it is after all, none of his concern. I just expected for him to be there and protect me always as he said it once that he would. Well I guess my selfish theory; 'If he/she is not your blood, then he/she is not worth your undying love' is right after all. He whom I call "brother" is not there for me and I hope for all the right reasons because I hate to think that I am still being friends with a selfish prick. Of course, our past does not prove to me that he is a prick and after all that he has done for me, I guess there is a reason to why he is not on my side this time. 'You have to be cruel to be kind' - I've practiced that many times in my life and I hope that's what he's doing.
As to him who hurts me most, I don't know why you did it or what it is that you're going through. I was in pain and running out of tears to cry. I hate you for what you've done to me and for whatever reason that you've hurt me for, I hope it is worth it. I've told myself all the selfish reasons that I could think of just to get over you then suddenly one day I realized, it's better to live with the happiness that you've given me once then remembering the pain you've put me through now. I will never forget the night we've shared our dreams of dancing in Cuba and you will always be the man I got high on music with. I've loved you the most and only God knows if I ever fall in love that way again. Knowing you as I do, I know you feel the pain too but as you've proved to me, life goes on and what's past better remains that way. We were happy once and we're in this pain together. So therefore, I'm not alone in this. You stay in my heart and your voice will sleep me off to the night. Thank you for the love and so long....

- You are the batman on my window

seeing the classics...

2006-05-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

On the day that Andrew bought his new crumpler, since the first step I took out of the house, I've been seeing the classics. First, it was the car. Parked outside a shop at camberwell, a man waiting for his wife (I think). I couldn't help but to take a picture of it. It's gorgeous! I so wish I have one of those someday. I can imagine me, driving down the street sending my children to school in such a car. If no children, then maybe me and my afghan hound heading down the city for tea. hehehe! After that, as me, Andrew and Grace walked down to Glenferrie rd. (where the crumpler shop is situated), I bumped into the vespa. Look at it! It's sucha vintage! Another classic for the day. So again, pathetically I took a pic of it. It's nice and classic and all but I don see myself riding it though. Not ma' kinda vintage. Later when Andrew is done with crumpler, we went to Chapel st. and guess wat?!!! For the first time in my life, and also a dream come true, I stood in front of a 60's restaurant called Rock Soda. It's all so Grease! We had a snack there and as you can see, the mini jukebox is so-real! It plays only songs of the 60's (or so la...) and it costs AUD1 for two songs. I didn't play any songs because the restaurant was already playing good 60's music! Of course la while me eating the very long hot dog, I danced all the way through. Not to forget to mention, the milk shake is marvellous!!! It 's the best I've tasted so far! I will go back there again and again and again.... Me and Andrew were thinking of going there with complete 60's style on! Him looking like ewan mcgregor in 'Down With Love' and me looking like the girl in Grease. woohoooo! What's up with me and that day of classics man..?!!! That'll never happen in Malaysia! Another reason why I should not leave Melbourne...

reality hits me hard!

2006-05-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

At last I found the inspiration to write up again. It's been long. So many good times and bad times. First of, I am now in Melbourne! I like it here. Ever since I got here, I live better and I feel better. This place makes me feel like singing. Jz ask my housemate, Andrew. He seems to join along all the time. Melbourne is all about art and music. Everywhere I go, it's all about good music and interesting art work (either legally or illegally). Once I walked around the city, taking pictures for my photography assignment and met with a blues busker. He is so freakin' good!!! He is a japanese and his name is George. His singing skill is superb! As he was singing the blues, I of course danced all the way through. It's always been a dream of mine to have a blues busker on the street. How I wish there'll be one in KL. These sorta people have my full support! After that day, I went for his gig again but at a different venue. My housemates were there for me. Andrew, of coz being the music lover that he is enjoyed the gig with me and Grace, being a good friend that she is, stand the cold weather and "shook" along! hahahahhah...sorry grace, that shall never happen again. So anyway, studies are good. Better than ever as a matter of fact. I am more in schedule nowadays. The latest I handed in an assignment is only a day later. Other than that, I'm always on time. But of course, life is never kind enough to give me the ultimate happiness. Shits happened. I can't go back to KL dis june for shitty technical reasons and I am pretty frustrated. It's not like I miss the freaking country that much but jz basically, my family and friends. And my car!!! I miss my car! I miss driving! It's so sickening when the best I can do is walk here, in Melbourne. But hey, I take it as an experience. I can't live my life as a spoiled brat forever. Although, that wud be good...! hehehhe.... But being in Melbourne, is like a rude awakening for me. I realize the best part of life and the worst. I seem to realize what's good for me and what's not. And I also seem to accept that I may not live a normal life that most girls do like having a husband and my own 'normal family' to take care of. I used to dream of having one. I would like to take care of a husband and cater to him everyday of my life but I guess, normality has never been part of my destiny. Hey, being in the norm is never normal to me anyway! So what the heck?!! So dear friends, do not be surprise if one day I come up (maybe when I'm 28 years old) being pregnant and without a husband in my life. The technology is there, so why not I make a full use outta it! hehehehehe..:)

The end of sem 6...

2005-11-20T06:08:00.000-08:00

It has been the longest sem I've ever had...

Simply because i was on a personal production and working part-time at d same time. So, workloads have been hell for me. My fault la really, thinking dat i could handle it. I couldn't. I did handle it in d end, but d results were not satisfactory. I coulda done better in lotsa things but as usual, i tend to regret all d things dat i coulda make 'em better. Well, life goes on and I hope, I'll take it slow d next time.

Enough of working matters, let's go into my 'goin-2-b love life'. hehe...
Well, i met dis guy whom i fell in-like wit, deeply. Of coz, I went through a few ordeals like his friend lying to me bout his attachment to another girl. I actually fall for it man! How stupid of me. So after liking dis guy for so long n wondering whether he feels d same, I almost gave up. Until he came to me...yes, he came to me. He likes me too. But only dat he told to my friend n not me. So i'm taking it dat der's nothing goin on between us, until he tells me himself of wat's really on his mind. We're friends who discuss serious stuff and flirt seriously too. lolz! FUN! let's hope dis friendship will go further ya. so for those who care to know, i'm happy. for those u don, i'm gonna tell it to u anyway, I'M VERY HAPPY!
now, let's go to life itself. my life as for now...

I hit a few bumpy roads in my life n my dear friend Andrew, was der to help me. I appreciate and love him for dat. I will never stop paying him back for all d kindness dat he's given me. I have to say, dis month has been very emotional for me and little things would hurt me so. Never been dis way for a long time. And now dat mood is back, I gotta get myself togeda again b4 it gets really ugly. Now, since Raya, my relationship wit my mom has been sour. She gets so angry all d time and I always do wat i do best, which is ignore. But i can't help but thinkin, I should not let dis go on any longer. I need d r'ship wit my mom to go back to how it used to be. She is after all, my mother. But d harder i try, more mistakes i make. I jz donno anymore...i'll think of something. As for now, i m rolling down on a rocky road. But i believe I'll make it somehow, soon, for d better days.

eva e.

malaysiabatik:crafted for the world. founder will be remembered.

2005-10-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

The late Datin Paduka Seri Endon Mahmood was the love of our Prime Minister's life. He held on to her up to her last breath this morning of 20th October 2005. I don't know much about her except for her kindness towards the poor, the disabled, breast cancer patients and for the uplifting of malaysian batik to the world. when she first came up with 'batik guild', i thought, "at last! someone bothered to! someone cared!" malaysian fashion has never been the same and it continues until today. my respect and condolences go to the late Datin Paduka Seri Endon Mahmood and her family. May she rests in peace.

walking through life

2005-10-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

everyday i see happiness, sadness, anxiety, frustration, depression, success, enjoyment, love, etc. i am surrounded by the things that i sometimes don get to experience. yet! but maybe, not ever. life is so simple but yet, we tend to make it so complicated. we twist and turn the situation around until we lost our way. in the end, people get hurt. i always ask myself, why do we hv to hurt and be hurt? den i'll answer myself, its wat makes us human and from that, we grow. it's jz dat, some people grow for the better and some jz get worst. watever it is, i find it amazing to watch the mistakes that people make and the mistakes dat i made. most of 'em are silly and shouldn't be happening in d first place. and some of 'em, are jz irreversible. den you hv people holding grudges against you. i don think i wanna know the number of people holding grudges against me. i won't be able to live wit myself. i may not be able to live up to ev'ry one, but it hurts know the number of people dat i've hurt. i mean, won't u? anyway, another thing dat i would like to discuss is dat, why do we always want the things dat we know for sure we can't have? for me, at least. and d wanting is so strong dat u somehow lose control of urself. don matter how hard u try to keep it cool, u would definitely lost it. like, wanting the person of ur dreams? or at least, the person you believe to b ur soul mate. but yet, he/she is too far to reach. even if she's/he's near, u can't seem to reach out to him/her. and you still want him/her. why do we do dat to ourselves? why do humans complicate things and live miserably for it? i jz don get it why we can't seem to stop doin dat to ourselves.

october

2005-10-10T06:20:00.000-07:00

This is the month dat I'll always remember. Reason being:
1) I collapsed of emotional distressed
2) I made new friends
3) I have a crush
4) My friends and I are chasing after deadlines
5) My friends and I are cutting down on our social life
6) I'm a step closer to this new guy in my life
7) I got up from my emotional distressed - feeling better den ever!
8) I'm beginning to accept my father's girlfriend - but I still think she's a bimbo!
9) I love myself more
10) I'M BACK!!!

Eva E.

body language

2005-10-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

The body language has always amazed me and I was always on lookout for certain meanings with everyone I see and meet. Of course, I can't get any sorta readings most of the time but wen I do get the meanings right, it feels like I've reached some sorta accomplishment in understanding human behaviour. It's an amazing feeling. For example, all the person needs to do is just lay his/her eyes on the other person and from there, you could tell what he's or she's thinking or feeling. But of course, you could be 90% wrong most of the time. Den again, der's always d 10%! Anyway, back to the body language, point one i understand is the proximity between those two people. I've seen a guy once who's standing and moving forward and backwards like he's jz waiting to hug d girl dat he was talking to. Der's also another who has his/her body towards the other person really close most of d time. Another point I learnt (all by myself! so I could be so wrong here!) was the eye locks. Need I say more? He looks at her in a certain way and she looks at him in a certain way, you jz know it. Especially wen they surprise each other wen they hv their eyes lock with one another. Typical Hollywood crap dat seems to actually happen in reality. 3rd: Unrealized Touch. Wen a girl talks to a guy and she tends to grip his arms or lay her hand on his hand without realizing it, she's so into him! Same goes to d guys. But not particularly similar. And dis only happens occasionally wit d guys. I wonder why...Anyway, my reason being of bringing dis up is my curiousity of why won't it work wen I'M d one experiencing it! I can't tell d body language at all wen I meet a guy. Sometimes I get it right, only wen he makes it so obvious but most of d time, I got it wrong and I'm so sick of not knowing. After I choose to ignore the whole thing, den der's always d story of "I thought you weren't interested" from d guys. I mean, wat d hell is wrong wit me or d guys are just totally toying wit my head! I hv my bet on d second one! But people, do u hv any idea why I'm reading it all right for other people and all wrong for myself?!

waking up and smelling d coffee. everyday of my life.

2005-10-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wake up and start to think dat maybe your life is never gonna get your way? If none of u don't, i guess it's jz me den. It's hard to keep it real to urself all d time wen sometimes being in denial is jz d best way out coz d truth hurts too much. Being honest wit myself and accepting my flaws as they are is a lifetime practice. After sometime, it became me. It became d pessimistic side of me. I was always judging myself d worst way I could jz so I won't be surprise wenever people state their opinions about me. But I hurt myself along d way wen I started to insult myself in every little thing dat I do jz to make sure no one else would. Through out high school I was always a moody kid who only puts a smile wen I hv lotsa cash in my purse or dating cute guys. Other den dat, my life was miserable. At 17, I got so sick of d whole thing and start to accept d better side of life. It worked. I was happy for a couple of years. Got my ex to thank for dat too. Den, I went through a phase in my life. A better phase for a better me. Broke up with my bf so he could be wit someone who ACTUALLY deserves him. I'm jz not for him. Hv been single for more den four months now and I expected to find out how "better me" I can get. But nothing's happen. I'm back to being who I was in high school. I've lost myself along my way of soul searching and I can't seem to find any sorta happiness. This never happens to me as I made sure I'm always on top of my game. I made sure to keep my confidence level high and made sure I get my way wit guys and anything else in my life. Always on top of my game. Now I've lost myself. D soul searching dat has always helped me to grow has now turn its back on me. And I donno where to turn to. I guess it's jz one of those things dat people experience in life. You walk up den you fall down. Jz never thought dat I'll hv such a tremendous fall.

giving it another try

2005-10-02T06:34:00.000-07:00

Dis is like my third attempt in blogging. I'm just a screw up wen it comes to using software/watever crap in d computer. but i'm still very much interested in being part of d blogging community. my friends are always talking bout wat they had blogged early dat morning or late dat night. at first, i was like, "WTF is dis blogging thing?! wat's d big deal?!" but, after some time i got influenced and i'm kinda sick of writing ev'ry thing down in my diary without anyone ever reading it and understanding to what i'm goin through. so some things i would like to share here wit the bloggers so they could giv me insights on things that i never seem to understand/ever seeing. it's interesting to see how far this blogging thing is gonna take me. but i hav d feeling dat i'll b busy designing and pouring my heart out anytime soon!